What is Love?

On a day as special as Valentine’s Day, it is inevitable to think about the meaning of love. It can have many different meanings for everyone. From psychology, love is spoken of as an encounter with another that completes and offers what is missing in oneself. At first, when meeting this new person, the illusion about them grows and they idealize them as perfect. As the relationship progresses, each person’s reality emerges, which must be accepted to build a a strong couple.

Perfection and idealization

Everything feels perfect at the beginning of the relationship. For a time this illusion is sustained. The other represents what is perfect, what satisfies desires and needs. Ultimately, the other becomes everything. It seems that life has been incomplete before that magical encounter. It is this idealization that allows the relationship to move forward and exposes one to the fears and uncertainties that arise when starting a new relationship. Little by little over time this idealization falls and reality enters.

Reality and integration

After idealization the veil falls and the other person’s true identity begins to be seen. In this encounter with the reality of the other, and it begins a grieving process for that ideal. How this grief is digested determines whether that ideal can be abandoned in favor of a more real relationship. In this integration it is important to be aware, not only of the relationship contributions but also of what the other person lacks. Seeing the other as imperfect generates frustration because it forces to let go of that feeling of completeness that existed at the beginning. But it is thanks to this abandonment of idealization that one can function in reality and that one can build an integrated and strong couple identity. This is when long-term love arises.

It is a process similar to what happens with parents when we are little. As a child we idealize parents who seem to have all the answers. In adolescence you begin to see parents who also feel fear, insecurity and who do not have all the answers. Falling in love is a similar process.

Partner Choice

Furthermore, the choice of partner is very significant and is not accidental. Surely, at the beginning, identifications of what oneself is and what one recognizes in the other appear. That loved object must be similar enough to see itself reflected, but at the same time be different enough to feel that it completes oneself. It is important to recognize the part of oneself that is reflected in the other, and accept and recognize that which is different.

In short, love has many definitions. On the one hand, it is recognizing a different other who accompanies and builds a joint identity and culture at home. Love is sharing experiences and emotions with another person. Love is patience and wanting to love each other. Love is a moment of continuous happiness. Love is knowing that the other is the person who makes you feel good and vice versa.

And for you, what is love? How would you define it?